Gambling With Desire
by DramaticStarlet
Summary: You're a slave to your addictions. BeckTori.


_gambling with desire._

pairing: beck/tori.  
rating: t.  
author: katie lynn.

a/n: some bori angst, mostly because my "happy" muse has kind of died. title credit to "jasey rae" by all time low, aka my favoritest band in the whole world. :)

this is for emma (seemslikeaporno), because she loves bori and angst almost as much as me. and kesha. :) LUVUEMMAJONEZ.

/

"Beck, please put it out, You're trying to quit."

Tori's voice is soft and weary. There's also a harsh quality to it, hoarse and grainy. You know it's from all the screaming she just did - _Beck, oh God, oh my God, shit, shit, shit! _Tori only curses when she's about to come. You wonder if her fiance's ever noticed that.

"I need it."

The three words taste bitter in your mouth. You put out the cigarette to make her happy, because you don't need it. You need Tori. You need her strawberry lipgloss and soft black curls and the mole right above her right breast. You need her laughter when your day-old stubble brushes against her stomach, the way she rubs her thighs together when she's impatient, the knowing smile she flashes you when you accidentally on purpose run into her at red carpet events.

"Thank you."

She offers you a tired smile, then reaches for her bra.

/

You're completely and totally drunk. She hasn't been around in a couple of weeks, and you always fall of the wagon when she doesn't come back for a while. You may look strong - Beck Oliver, movie star and international trendsetter - but you're a slave to your addictions. Sex and cigarettes and alcohol and ridiculously overpriced take out.

You've been kicking the cigarettes and alcohol - really, you've been trying. But it's hard not to give in when you're practically possessed with memories of her. The smell of her perfume lingers on your bedsheets, a diamond necklace she left on your dresser.

So you drank half a bottle of Jim Beam and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. Your agent's gonna flip a shit when he finds you in the morning.

You smile.

From where you're nearly passed out on the couch, you hear the front door open. Probably your agent. You wait for the yelling.

No yelling. No slam of the door.

"Beck?"

The sound of your name is gentle and feminine. Your eyes open because its _her. _Her footsteps get closer and closer, but you don't dare make a sound. The echo of her heels clicking against the hardwood floor is deafening.

"Oh God, Beckett."

Suddenly she's in front of you, in that blue sundress that makes her look like sunlight.

"Hi, beautiful."

Your voice sounds wasted and pathetic, even to your own ears. You wonder if she notices, but then you don't care because she's sitting down next to you and she rests your head in her lap and starts stroking your hair and oh fuck, she's so warm and her fingers feel so nice.

"Are you drunk?"

"Yeah."

"Let's get you to bed."

She drags you to your room and sings you to sleep like she would to a fucking five year old.

When you wake up, you hear her singing in the shower.

/

It's two o'clock in the morning on your birthday when you yell at her. You asked her to spend the night after she gave you her present - a new guitar and sex in your kitchen.

"I have to go."

"It's my birthday."

"Beck, you know I want to stay but it's me and Danny's anniversary tomorrow."

"Fuck Danny! It's my birthday! All I want is for you to spend the fucking night with me. It's been two months since I've woken up with you next to me."

"You know we can't do this forever."

"God damn it, Victoria!"

"Shhh, just calm down."

"I love you."

"You don't love me. You love having sex with me. You love the chase."

"No. I love you. Stay with me. Please don't leave."

"Listen, I'll call in for some Chinese take out and a bunch of old John Wayne movies, okay? Maybe I can get Andre to get out of bed and - "

"Will you shut up? I'm fucking tired of this, Tori. This is so fucked up, you know that? I'm sacrificing everything like a God damn girl for you, and you use me. You fucking USE me. Guys like me don't get played by girls like you. It's not supposed to happen."

"Beck - "

"NO. Let me fucking speak. I'm a mess because of you. You're in my dreams. I can't get your smile or your body or your laugh out of my head and it's so fucking FRUSTRATING because you aren't mine. I got to you too late. And you won't dump that asshole. You don't love me. You love when I fuck you. You're just a cheating whore, Tori. That's all. And I love you."

She's crying when she leaves.

Happy birthday to you.

/

You don't see her for a while again after that, but you're too mad at her to even care. You spend three days completely and totally drunk out of your mind then fly to Canada on a whim the next week. You get another tattoo, this time over your heart. You think that maybe the colored ink will act as a shield against Tori.

When you come back, there's a note taped on your apartment door.

**I miss you.**

You send her a text that says _Come see me_.

/

You don't have sex as soon as she gets there. You hold her for an hour and a half and let her silently cry into your shoulder.

"I got a new tattoo."

You mumble into her hair when her sobs subside. She lifts her head, and you smile at the sight of her watery brown eyes. It's the first time you've smiled since the last time you saw her.

"Really?"

You lift up your shirt to reveal the tattoo over your heart. Tori reaches out to press her palm against it.

"I postponed the wedding so we could have more time."

Postponed doesn't mean she called it off.

You put your hand over hers, and you know the ink shield isn't working because your skin is on fire where her fingers are.

"Postponed. Huh."

She presses her mouth to yours for a moment. Her lips taste like tears.

When she pulls away, her eyes hold an emotion you've never seen in them before. It's sparkly and beautiful in a sorta messed up way but you like it anyways.

"I'm going to order some Chinese."

She says this instead of I love you.

/

WELL that was kind of weird and interesting. i think. i had fun writing it anyways. :) i hope you liked it. it's the first thing i've written in a while that i actually felt right about.

**please review with more than "so sad" or "i loved it," please please please. this isn't me being arrogant. this is me wanting legitimate feedback and opinions. "so sad" and "i loved it" don't say very much.**


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